This theory developed when my sister kept making fun of how the members of U2 were dressed for the photo shoots for the "Pop" album. "They all look like criminals," she said, indicating in particular The Edge's "day-glo pimp cowboy" ensembles in magenta satin and neon green polyester.

She pointed to the others on her poster, "They all look like hired thugs. Really cheap ones. With hangovers." Sure enough, Bono was scowly and unshaven, with an uneven haircut and an expression which seemed to say 'I haven't slept in a week, look at me wrong and I kill you." Clayton was looking as slick & trendy as a local narcotics hustler while Larry Mullen was pulling a grim spiky hair and shades routine which would've made Billy Idol truly nostalgic. All four wore crabby, dangerous expressions.

"Whoa, who put Lucky Charms in their Guinness?" I thought.

When it came time for the next album, I wondered if they'd managed to hire a better fashion consultant. My sister had even bothered to e-mail The Edge a note saying his clothes recently had been putrid beyond imagination, especially the cowboy hat. Well, when I later saw the advert in the local entertainment paper for the Elevation Tour, I was impressed with the improvement in their public image. No tacky colours, no shiny lurex creations, no 2£ haircuts, just good ol' dark clothes with heavy jackets. When I showed my sister, she said, "Yeah, it's an improvement but they still look like hoodlums. You know, they've always kinda looked like criminals."

She was right! They did! It had to be true. But what kind of criminals could U2 be? Well, they travel from country to country on huge tours. They drag large amounts of equipment with them. They have a social conscience and are loud about it. They were obviously slumming it when they appeared as two-bit pimps and thugs. So what's the classiest, most jet-setting, dangerous kind of Interpol-wanted character around? Why, hitmen, of course. And with all their support for human rights, they had to be International Assassins for Charity. Taking out dangerous dictators and warlords at no charge to the suffering nation, and then replacing them with state-of-the-art robots, which are then remote-controlled by their computer-engineer-techies who also run their mega-tour displays. If someone refuses to care about their fellow man, they kill 'em! Won't support Amnesty International? They threaten to break your fingers! Insist on hunting whales? It's the old bass-string strangle for you! Travelling the globe to help the oppressed in stylish threads while playing to sold out crowds in the meantime : clever plan!

Below is the diagram of what and how Ireland's most dangerously dressed band do in their spare time.