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Ratty Astrology
by Zoe O'Brien
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Tired of the same old horoscope rubbish? Try new improved rat whiskery style astrology.

Aries the Rambo

You are violent, pushy, and loud. People around you leave either due to intimidation or disgust. Not to mention your sweat problem. Aries is a Meat sign. Meat signs are obnoxious and tasteless, much like a McDonald's hamburger.
Birthstone : Tar. Colour : Ground Meat Red.


Taurus the Cow

You tend towards stubborn bullheadedness and quiet rumination. You also probably have a big bottom. And release a great deal of methane. Taurus is a Grain sign. Grain signs are boring, like most high fibre foods.
Birthstone: Deodorant Crystal. Colour : Compost Brown.


Gemini the Twit

You are insane. So are every one of your indecisive personalities except for the two who killed each other off last night. Gemini is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruits and Vegetable people are known to be unstable, earning them titles like "Fruit" and "Vegetable".
Birthstone : Crack Rock. Colour : Purple Paisley.


Cancer the Tumour

You are a real marshmallow. People often cheer when you burst into flame and become a charred mass of seething sugar. Cancer is a Dairy sign. Dairy signs are good when they're fresh, awful when they've gotten old and rotten.
Birthstone : Pop Rocks. Colour : White with burnt spots.


Leo the Liar

You couldn't tell the truth if your lie depended on it. Yes, that's lie, not life. Leo is a Meat sign. Meat signs tend to be like meat itself ; they attract flies when left out.
Birthstone : Kitty Litter. Colour : Jaundice Yellow.


Virgo the Vulgar

You are tacky and stubborn concerning everything. You could go on Jerry Springer if you were only more exciting. Virgo is a Grain sign. Grain signs tend to go on and on and on, like wheat fields in the Prairies.
Birthstone : Rhinestone. Colour : Out-of-date Orange.


Libra the Limp

You tend to be wishy washy live-and-let-live loser. You thank people after they rob you and smile so they can kick you in the teeth. Libra is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable people should be carefully wrapped and packed in crates for their own protection.
Birthstone : Rolling Stone. Colour : Old Yeller.


Scorpio the Scumbag

A total, total slimeball. That's what you are. It's also your best feature. Scorpio is a Dairy sign. Dairy signs should be stamped with a date just like milk cartons so you know when to throw them out.
Birthstone : Arsenic. Colour : Slime Mould Grey.


Saggitarius the Archenemy

You are a whining pain in the arse. Nothing ever works for you, not even you. Saggitarius is a Meat sign. Meat signs are often high in fat and not good for your heart.
Birthstone : Gallstone. Colour : Bile Green.


Capricorn the Mutant

You are totally ambitious. You are also a total freak. Your drive for supreme strangeness will one day pay off with your picture in post offices across the nation. Capricorn is a Grain sign. Grain signs are known to be like breakfast cereals ; there's often weevils in the Wheaties.
Birthstone : Glass Eye. Colour : Navy Seascum.


Aquarius the Aquarium

You are peculiar. You probably would swallow goldfish on national television just to make a point and then eat the little plastic diving man in private afterwards for fun. Aquarius is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable signs are like fruit stands ; often upset.
Birthstone : Pumice. Colour : Algae Aquamarine.


Pisces the Fishstick

You are a flake. You see secret messages in buttermilk clots and spilt beer, which you then eat mixed together as a new diet. Pisces is a Dairy sign. Dairy sign people are like most dairy products such as cheese or yoghurt...they're only likeable after going somewhat off.
Birthstone : Cement. Colour : Catfood Pink.



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