Ratty Astrology
by Zoe O'Brien

You are violent, pushy, and loud. People around you leave either due to intimidation or disgust. Not to mention your sweat problem. Aries is a Meat sign. Meat signs are obnoxious and tasteless, much like a McDonald's hamburger.
Birthstone : Tar. Colour : Ground Meat Red.

You tend towards stubborn bullheadedness and quiet rumination. You also probably have a big bottom. And release a great deal of methane. Taurus is a Grain sign. Grain signs are boring, like most high fibre foods.
Birthstone: Deodorant Crystal. Colour : Compost Brown.

You are insane. So are every one of your indecisive personalities except for the two who killed each other off last night. Gemini is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruits and Vegetable people are known to be unstable, earning them titles like "Fruit" and "Vegetable".
Birthstone : Crack Rock. Colour : Purple Paisley.

You are a real marshmallow. People often cheer when you burst into flame and become a charred mass of seething sugar. Cancer is a Dairy sign. Dairy signs are good when they're fresh, awful when they've gotten old and rotten.
Birthstone : Pop Rocks. Colour : White with burnt spots.

You couldn't tell the truth if your lie depended on it. Yes, that's lie, not life. Leo is a Meat sign. Meat signs tend to be like meat itself ; they attract flies when left out.
Birthstone : Kitty Litter. Colour : Jaundice Yellow.

You are tacky and stubborn concerning everything. You could go on Jerry Springer if you were only more exciting. Virgo is a Grain sign. Grain signs tend to go on and on and on, like wheat fields in the Prairies.
Birthstone : Rhinestone. Colour : Out-of-date Orange.

You tend to be wishy washy live-and-let-live loser. You thank people after they rob you and smile so they can kick you in the teeth. Libra is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable people should be carefully wrapped and packed in crates for their own protection.
Birthstone : Rolling Stone. Colour : Old Yeller.

A total, total slimeball. That's what you are. It's also your best feature. Scorpio is a Dairy sign. Dairy signs should be stamped with a date just like milk cartons so you know when to throw them out.
Birthstone : Arsenic. Colour : Slime Mould Grey.

You are a whining pain in the arse. Nothing ever works for you, not even you. Saggitarius is a Meat sign. Meat signs are often high in fat and not good for your heart.
Birthstone : Gallstone. Colour : Bile Green.

You are totally ambitious. You are also a total freak. Your drive for supreme strangeness will one day pay off with your picture in post offices across the nation. Capricorn is a Grain sign. Grain signs are known to be like breakfast cereals ; there's often weevils in the Wheaties.
Birthstone : Glass Eye. Colour : Navy Seascum.

You are peculiar. You probably would swallow goldfish on national television just to make a point and then eat the little plastic diving man in private afterwards for fun. Aquarius is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable signs are like fruit stands ; often upset.
Birthstone : Pumice. Colour : Algae Aquamarine.

You are a flake. You see secret messages in buttermilk clots and spilt beer, which you then eat mixed together as a new diet. Pisces is a Dairy sign. Dairy sign people are like most dairy products such as cheese or yoghurt...they're only likeable after going somewhat off.
Birthstone : Cement. Colour : Catfood Pink.